Do You Ever Need More from your job.

I’m at a stage in my life where I have done what a parent should do and that’s make yourself redundant. Meaning you have raised your children to be strong capable young adults who have fled the nest and can now survive in the world without you. To raise my children and deal with grief my career took a backseat. I was happy to do this but now I need more, I need mental stimulation. I have a lot to offer. All those years of being ‘just’ a lower ranked worker on the frontline delivering a service, I developed knowledge of where the system lets people down. It’s a knowledge I’m keen to impart to create positive change. I have the time, I have the energy and desire to make a difference.

I wrote this – Do you ever need more soon after being an unsuccessful candidate to a job. I didn’t post it because the feelings at the time felt to raw. I have had time to think about why I was so emotionally affected. I understand now it’s because I put my heart and sole into that application because I wanted it so badly. I wanted to be acknowledged for my knowledge, to be seen to be educated in your field. What I realised is, what matters is I know I am knowledgeable, that what’s most important. Me seeing myself and acknowledging myself, having self belief. That’s what has come of this process. And that self belief is why I can now post this. I still have my self doubts that will never go but what has changed is I don’t feel I have to prove myself. I still seek promotion but accept I may never get it. I may never have the qualities it takes to write a successful curriculum vitae or articulate my knowledge in a way others see it and able to sit a successful interview, but deep inside I know I am knowledgeable. Getting the job is not always dependent on your worked knowledge. It often depends upon how well you network and the achievements in education you can add to your application. That seems to hold a lot of importance. I feel I now see how the system at the higher levels of employment operates. There probably are much smarter people than me that could do the job better I acknowledge that. It is what it is and I have found piece with that. Below was written a little while ago. I haven’t stopped trying but accept my level of education may not be enough to get a better job and that worked experience isn’t enough to gain promotion in this modern world.

Below is my first draft….

Do you ever feel you need more. That there’s a lot of noise in your head. You feel agitated by it. I woke today feeling agitated. I had a job interview a couple weeks ago in which I was one of the unsuccessful applicants. It was a promotion. I haven’t had a promotion for many years. I’m in the same role, same income since I was 36. At 36 I was widowed with 3 young children.

My life is in a very different place now. My children have grown, and I feel I have reached saturation in my current role. I’m restless. I’m so angry at myself for not getting that new role. I needed it so badly. I needed it professionally, emotionally and financially.

I feel trapped and I don’t know how to change things. I’m restless, I’m agitated. I know I could have done that role. It’s taken me 19 years to build the confidence and find a job I felt I could do and do well. I put so much effort into presenting my cover letter and CV but somehow I messed up the interview, you idiot I say to myself. I’m angry at myself because I didn’t give them what they needed to choose me. I failed me. It was my chance, my chance to escape. A chance to be assured I’m capable of more. I dared to take a leap of faith.

Instead it’s blown my confidence and bruised my self esteem. But what it’s moreso done is made me feel more trapped than ever. Trapped in my job and life. Financially and emotionally. This role was to be part of a new innovative program. What’s going to be hard is watching the person who got the role thrive whilst I stay locked in my cage of my current role looking out, desperately crying out to stretch out, be mentally stimulated.

I entered my current role at a very different time in my life when I had young children parenting as a sole parent and was restricted by their needs. At the time I was dedicated to them, they were my focus. I wanted to be home after school, to attend the school plays, take them to after school sports and activities.

During this time I was fortunate to be gaining a unique knowledge. A knowledge I had realised after 10 years was valuable to improving the lives of other. I became passionate about collating this knowledge and over the next five years I did as my children became teenagers. I found myself as they became young adults having more time and I was getting good opportunities to use my expertise to help better lives. Now I want to be more proactive to create change at a government and community level. I have the expertise to speak confidently on the subject. I believe in what I do.

Set me free, I just don’t know how I’m going to find freedom. Freedom to grow. Emotional freedom brings happiness, contentment and financial freedom gives you autonomy, independence. I went for a walk this morning to quieten the noise in my head. I found myself intently listening to the song Shallow from the movie a Star is Born starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. The opening lyrics to the song are, ‘Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world, or do you need more, is there something else you’re searching for?. I’m falling, in all the good times I find myself longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself’ . Those words resonated with me. Bradley Cooper could’ve been standing in front of me getting up from where I was kicked to the on the curb looking up at him saying those word this morning with tears swelling in my green blue eyes.

I need more, I’m searching. l’m longing for change. I’m screaming in my head to be set free from the cage. I know I have to work through this. I need to reset. I sit in the tram stop shelter with the warm sun coming through the scratched out vandalised perspex glass. The sun is hitting the side of my face and neck as I write this. It feels warm and comforting. It grounds me that I’m ok. The warmth of the sun embraces me, comforts me. The anonymity of being here gives me space to think and clear my head. To find perspective. To quieten the noise in my head, to carry on my day. To suppress my unrest for a while …. until it bubbles to the surface again triggered by something that reminds me of my cage, being reminded of the knowing only I can free myself. I just have to workout how.

Tell me something girl are you happy in this modern world, or do you need more……..

Time, I just need time. Allow myself time. Time to sort my thoughts and reset. It’s ok, it will all be ok. Easter Is a time of new beginnings. Have faith girl.