I Dared to Believe in Myself

In a world were memes and podcast flood us with, just do it, don’t let anyone stop you, believe in yourself, I dared to dream.

I dared to dream that maybe all those memes are right that I just needed to take the leap, trust the process, step out of my comfort zone. What even did step out of your comfort zone mean I once asked myself.

Social media is full of podcasts of successful people, who talk about how they became successful, how they took that step and released them self from the chains and grind of the unfulfilling job they had or how they did what was needed to change the trajectory of their life to this fabulous life they have now. How they are just so happy they took the plunge.

Work hard, if you just work hard opportunities come. I made the mistake of believing all this. The positivity talk.

I’m not that good, today was a day of wreckoning. Today was a day I realised how much I so desperately want to change some things in my life. How much being invisible is easier than rejection. I was also reminded how disempowering having choice taken from you feels. How when others are given control of your fate how disempowering that feels. How stepping out of your comfort zone feels and what that means.

It means taking a measured risk. But risk is the key word here. risk means …..

In simple terms, risk is the possibility of something bad happening. Risk involves uncertainty about the effects/implications of an activity with respect to something that humans value (such as health, well-being, wealth, property or the environment), often focusing on negative, undesirable consequences. Many different definitions have been proposed. The international standard definition of risk for common understanding in different applications is “effect of uncertainty on objectives”.

I stood out on the ledge. Showed myself, took a risk, that took me so out of my comfort zone. I believed in myself for a short while. I allowed myself to dream of a different future. A future where I could shine, be seen.

Being invisible seems easier. Being invisible shields you from rejection, from judgement. It keeps you in the shadows. It protects you. You are the unseen. Believing l could shine, was stupid. What was I thinking. How stupid to I feel believing we are all capable of success and that we just need to work hard and go for it.

I got swept up in self belief, I dared to dream. For me risk didn’t pay off in a positive sense. Unfortunately for me I’m not successful, I haven’t shone. My risk end result was the negative side.

I feel a fool to believe, I feel embarrassed I dreamed . I step out of the shadows and asked to be seen, to be the chosen one but was the rejected one, the unsuccessful one. The feeling of total disempowerment of not being able to change an outcome, to have no chance of control, is a truely all encompassing terrible feeling enhanced by a feeling of dread.

Before I believed we just needed to do it, take the leap I just accepted my fate, my place in life, that the likes of me don’t get the breaks in life. And in that I sat with a contentment. How foolish was I to get swept up in this you can do it thoughts.

How stupid was I. How stupid to allow discontentment creep into my life. How stupid to want more. I’m so dam annoyed at myself. Can I put Pandora back in her box? Can I go back to acceptance of my lot in life?

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