30 years ago I stepped out of a Buick as a 22 year old bride, and walked into St Teresa’s Catholic Church. At 32 years old I walked out of St Teresa’s Catholic Church a widow and drove in the back seat of a mourning car to The Fawkner Cemetery to lay my dead husband and father of my children to rest.
Who would of thought when I said those words for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part just how true those vows would be. How many people over the years have stood before the person they are marrying, looked into their eyes and said those worlds really really thinking about til death do us part. You just say them your heart filled with love and excitement in the moment.
Today from time to time my mind flitted to, it’s my wedding anniversary today, but I did not dwell. As quick as the pang came I pushed it away. It’s best that way. No good thinking to long about the what if’s, that’s going to not change anything.
I acknowledged a sadness that my marriage was taken from me, our marriage. That I didn’t get to see how that played out over the years. You never stop wondering what could have been, what would life be like now if that one thing had not happened. When death comes knocking at your door on some idle Tuesday afternoon. I think that’s part of life after death. I wondered if I’d forget the significance of the day, but I think 30 years is a milestone so that makes it all the more significant and unlikely to fade away from my memory.
I acknowledged it, took time to reflect, had lunch with a friend at work and chatted being present in the moment enjoying her company and touched base with my three children who are a result of that union between Harry and I. Born from loving parents who live on with me today in the now, the present, but who also travelled the journey with me, who understand the significance of what happened what was taken. That’s all I need is an acknowledgment. I don’t need to go down a path of tears or sorrow. I just need to have it known that this thing happened and if it hadn’t today would be a very different day in some ways. My life is not at all today in a bad place. My life is happy. I feel very blessed for that.
Jane FaceTimes me and we laugh reflecting on homes we have lived in and feel thankful for what we have today. Rupert acknowledges the day and Archie spends time in the kitchen just having a chat about some current events in our world. I prepare my Bircher for tomorrow’s breakfast, tidy up and turn off the lights. Another day has passed, a good day.
Today was something that needed to be acknowledged . That needed to be put out in the universe that Harry and I were once one. He deserved that remembrance. He was a good man and deserves to not be forgotten. But also to feel thankful for all I have today and the people in my life.
For the wonderful life I now am blessed to be living. How far I have come from that bleak first anniversary alone in that hotel room.
Love Lucy x